I could very easily write you a lovely heart-warming post about how amazing, emotional, significant and inspiring the recently restored Town Hall is. I mean, how could you not? It’s brilliant. But you shouldn’t need me to tell you that – go see for yourself, pal.
But one VERY IMPORTANT thing no-one has mentioned about it is HOW GREAT THE TOILETS ARE, specifically in regards to mirror-selfie-capacity.
It immediately got me thinking about my favourite toilet-selfie spots around Cracked City, the best of which I’m gonna share with you now, cos after all, if you can’t get a 10/10 click-bait-worthy selfie whilst you’re out of an evening, then what’s even the point of leaving the house?
Don’t say I don’t take my civic duty as city ambassador, to you, seriously…
1.TOWN HALL (Ground floor)
It might have only reopened last week, but the Town Hall’s newly restored and refurbished facilities are toilet-selfie heaven.
A ridiculously large open space, with a separate powder area, just like in the olden days, but this is all shiny, white, perfectly lit and lined with many mirrors – including the star of the show – a huge, wall spanning circular number. You can fit a full-length outfit shot in there (cos if you’re at the Town Hall you know you’re gonna be dressed up in something you need to broadcast to the world), as well as your entire group of friends.
2. ISSAC THEATRE ROYAL (Level one)
The first floor loos of the Theatre Royal are an opulent dream. All luxe-as-fuck wall paper, gilded mirrors, grown up tiles and a warm, kind, golden light. They would 100% get the Marie Antoinette seal of approval.
Usually when I’m here, I lie to my companions and say I need to go to the bathroom, when really I’m just off to take some good mirror selfies. One cannot waste such opportunities, after all, who has mirrors of this quality at home?
3. WELLES STREET (Mezzanine)
The best thing about Welles Street bar are the toilets. The rest of that cavernous place I could take or leave. But it’s worth a drink there for the bathrooms alone. Head up the stairs, past the always rank smelling landing, and you are greeted cute neon signs, then the most delicious pink/purple tiles and mirror framed with glamorous bulbs. It’s like you’re in the 1984 dressing room of Patti Lupone AND Prince. Wow, imagine that debauchery.
4. TURANGA (All levels)
Everyone, quite rightly, says that our new central library, Tūranga, is the crown jewel of the CBD. That extends to the toilets on every floor. Each toilet is your own private photo-booth that lets you take all the time in the world to get the magic shot. Each is lined, floor-to-ceiling, with the most joyous yellow tiles.
I’m really digging how into brightly hued tiles we are as a city. Sure, in 20 years they’ll all have dated terribly and we’ll be all ‘ughhhh these tiles are all SO 2018’ but for now let’s just revel in it and take as many banging shots as we can before we get too old and ground-down into withered husks by life, and climate change, and no-one wants to see our faces anymore.
5. SMASH PALACE
Its just not a list of toilets unless I include my favourite hang out spot in this entire damned place – Smashies. These bogs are grimy affairs which is the whole point & charm, and why they make it to this list despite there definitely being more luxe and aesthetically pleasing loos out there.
Instead of enjoying Wes Anderson-esque pastel hued tiles, as you snap away, you’re gonna be trying not to step in the piss that is always splattered on the floor. But it’s worth it cos there’s always fresh tagging and stickers to look at, and the smells and sights mean that you’re not gonna be lingering in these, like you might at the library = real brisk, candid, selfie vibes.
So if you want a nice gritty authentic bar-selfie, like you’re hanging out in CBGB’s, then this is where you’re gonna go. Who knows, when you get back to your table a beautiful big bowl of cheesy fries might have appeared and then you can quote that line from Pulp Fiction, which is always a nice time.
Got an A-grade-aesthetically-dreamy, toilet that could better these, and you think I need to check out. Hook me up! Wow what a sentence. What a charmed life I lead.
Now go free, selfie, post that living-your-best-bloody-life-click-bait, and prosper!