THE CRACKED CITY DOLLAR REVIEW – IN WHICH I HUNT, GATHER AND TEST THE DOLLAR LOLLY MIXES OF CRACKED CITY DAIRIES, SUBURB BY SUBURB, SO THAT YOU ARE ABLE TO ENJOY MORE PEACHES & CREAM JELLIES IN YOUR LIFE, AND KEEP THOSE TROUBLESOME FOAM BANANAS TO A MINIMUM*.
For each DOLLAR REVIEW, I will gather $1 mixes from five dairies in the nominated suburb and evaluate based on quality, quantity, freshness, packaging, duplicates and overall vibe.
*PERSONAL OPINION ONLY. IF YOU HAPPEN TO PREFER THESE THE OTHER WAY ROUND. LET’S BE FRIENDS AS IT WILL WORK OUT WELL FOR THE BOTH OF US.
DOLLAR REVIEW – ROUND 1: EDGEWARE
For this inaugural edition of the DOLLAR REVIEWS, I thought I’d start close to home, with my own suburb, EDGEWARE – which I have defined as everything within the boundary of Bealey Ave, Springfield, Edgeware and Hills Road.
The five dairies up for scrutiny today are:
1. Dickie’s Corner – Barbadoes St
2. Bealey Fresh – Bealey Ave
3. Pah’s Dairy – Colombo St
4. Edgeware Dairy – Colombo St
5. Springfield Discounter – Springfield Rd
1. DICKIES CORNER
Eleven lollies in the nice classic white paper bag, which is a promising start. I don’t know how many you typically should get in a bag (wow geez good job I’m about to review a WHOLE TON OF THEM isn’t it?), but I’d have guessed 10 to be the average (10c a lolly? Seems steep. But I guess inflation because now I am old).
I was very excited for my first ever bag reveal for this segment, and sadly, this mix from Dickie’s Corner was just a big old let down. What I’d call beige, at best.
Starting with the ‘eh they’ll do I suppose’: Three jelly lips (they are different colours but I still count these as duplicates – loses a point), two jelly turtles (again, duplicates), blueberry and cream (the ‘and cream’ genre is one of my favourites, but I am adverse to blue things, so it loses marks).
The highlight was a Peach & Cream. It’s a classic, inoffensive, crowd pleaser. Like the Bruce Springsteen of lollies.
But then on the flip side were two of my enemies – the Foam banana and mint leaf (get outta my life).
The freshness was middling at best. It was all pretty bland, tasteless and underwhelming. Not bad enough to make me angry. Not good enough for me to achieve any sort of emotion. Plus so many duplicates. It was all a bit of a snooze. And frankly, I expected more from you, Dickie’s Corner.
RATING: 2 out of 5
2. BEALEY FRESH
I wanted to include this dairy as I faintly recall them getting into some controversy a few years back when it was reported that jelly dicks had been spotted in their dollar mixes. I’m not sure what the outcome was in regards to that. Was it simply a case of a misidentified dick? Or was there a special going on down at the cash and carry on Hens’ Night novelty gummies and they thought they’d chuck some in and get away with it. Would I be the recipient of a jelly dick in this bag of tricks… oh wait… that came out wrong…
Well. I’ll tell you right now. There was nothing of the sort. Instead I got the most delightful, joyful, mix of fourteen lollies! FOURTEEN!!! Bloody hell.
And wow were there some real bangers in there too. Not really a dud in sight. Three fried eggs (BRAVO!), teeth (the good kind), sour pyramids (that were so perfectly tart and chewy) and some sour rings which I am incredibly partial to.
The only average ones in there for me were the three eskimos. But I’d still rather an Eskimo than a banana, and their freshness was really good with a nice bit of chew, which is what redeemed them.
I guess the main downside is that the mix is heavy on duplicates. Only five kinds of sweet in the bag. Which worked out brilliantly for me, as I happen to love all of these, but if I was not into sours or fried eggs I’d have been screwed. But still. Nice one, Bealey.
RATING: 4.5 out of 5
3. PAH’S DAIRY
Now it’s time for the Colombo Street derby. Two dairies – PAH’S and EDGEWARE basically sitting right opposite each other at the upper end of Colombo Street. Oh the suspense! Who will win?!
Pah’s a a very small, dark and humble dairy. But I love it for these reasons and have always enjoyed the shabby blue exterior, veranda, bench and dog water bowl that have been positioned outside for as long as I can remember.
Twelve lollies in the paper bag. Overall a nice, solid, classic mix. We even got our first appearance of the pineapple lump (that was the perfect consistency of chewy vs foamy).
A bit too much blue in there for my tastes. And I don’t like those things that look like space nipples. IDK what those are called but the texture is weird and there were two of those which I was not too pleased with.
But the highlights included said pineapple lump, a perfect wee cola bottle and gummy cherries, which I’m a big fan of.
Freshness was very good. A low key, classic, mature, quality mix. Like William H Macy.
RATING: 3 out of 5
4. EDGEWARE DAIRY
And now for the second in our Colombo Street show-down. I have to say, I was impressed with the display of the various mixes in Edgeware Dairy. All nicely, prominently, displayed in a stand, with their value clearly written on the paper bag in vivid.
This made for a very swift and easy transaction on my part and not having to squint at the counter trying to find what I was looking for. The bag was also stapled shut which is reassuring I guess, for um…freshness? Tampering? Switching?
Sadly this was the highlight of the Edgeware Dairy mix for me. Inside the stapled bag was a eyebrow raising ten lollies. Which isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker if the quality is top notch. But in this case it was a pretty poor affair.
Big fan of the foam and jelly lips. And the pineapple lump was passable (although Pah’s lump was superior). As for the rest. Eh. It sorta just creeped me out. There was one of those pink and yellow foam chicken feet, which I have never understood the point of (why does anyone want to eat something that looks like a chicken foot? Is that what children like? Those little freaks) except it was all squished and wrinkled and looked like a discarded flap of skin. Then the little blue worm guy fell out next to it, smirking up at me, and the whole situation just weirded me out.
And another space nipple. Which is a hard no.
Freshness was fine. But I didn’t touch half of them on account of the overall creep vibe.
So as far as the hometown derby goes- I’d easily give it to Pah’s. It’s the more humble offering but the superior one.
RATING: 2.5 out of 5
5. SPRINGFIELD DISCOUNTER
Now. Old pal Springfield, or as we used to call it, the ‘just gotta stop in here to get mixer for my Kristov on the way to a party in 2004’ dairy. I mean. We all went to our fair share of Springfield Road flat parties back in the day, right?
Well, friends. Upon arrival, I was torn. They don’t do dollar mixes!! Well they do. But they are $1.50. And I was conflicted between REALLY REALLY wanting to include this store, but also trying to create an even review forum.
But I decided not to disqualify as it simply wouldn’t be an Edgeware round up without the Springfield Road dairy, and figured it’d be interesting to see if the extra 50c was worth it. So $1.50 it was. But it is a bit of a cheek the shop being called ‘SPRINGFIELD DISCOUNTER’ yet the dollar mix being $1.50.
Now my next issue was that the mix came in a clear plastic snap bag, whereas all my other mixes today came in the classic and timeless white paper bags. My issues with the plastic are:
1) Environmental. Of course. Plastic is so 2010, darling.
2) I don’t like that you can ‘examine’ your mix. Doesn’t that ruin the entire spirit and joy of the dollar mix? The mystery? The lucky dip nature of it?
I wonder if this is a slight bourgeois take on the dollar mix – both price and packaging – because this dairy lies on the cusp of Merivale/ St Albans and idk, maybe locals demand a different level of product. Maybe really rich people don’t like surprises and hate the planet. Which sounds about right.
Anyway. All that aside, lets take a look at the contents.
Eleven lollies. So the extra 50c certainly doesn’t get you extra quantity.
And two fucking mint leaves. No. Just stop.
But. Those things aside, it’s a quality, interesting, concise mix.
I’m a big fan of putting a classic wine gum in there, if done right. And this red jube was fresh and tasty. Plus a welcome appearance from a few jelly/ foam numbers which I think you know by now I’m into.
But the real stars of the show were two of these jelly/ foam flowers, which are supersized and have a liquid fruit centre. They’re certainly impressive, and probably how they are able to justify that extra 50c.
But I’ll be honest. I’d rather they swapped out these two big boys for four more standard peaches and cream or a pineapple lump and just made the mix a dollar. But these super blooms were a nice point of difference and made the mix a memorable one. Just a shame about the plastic.
RATING: 4 out of 5 stars
Bealey Fresh was the clear winner. Not only giving you the most lollies for your buck, but it was the most high quality of lollies, and also the tastiest, most vibrant, and freshest.
Bravo, Bealey Fresh!
The dud of the pack was Dickie’s Corner. Which I’m disappointed about. I always had a soft spot for the old school aesthetic of this dairy (until they got sponsored by Skinny and painted it bright orange). It was just a sad, withered, bland affair and I encourage them to start embracing the sour chew or pineapple lump pronto.
FINAL RANKING – EDGEWARE ROUND:
1st BEALEY FRESH
2nd SPRINGFIELD DISCOUNTER
3rd PAH’S DAIRY
4th EDGEWARE DAIRY
5th DICKIES CORNER
If you have a particular suburb you’d like a review of, or have a hot tip of a VERY GREAT or VERY SHIT dairy that I should try, hit me up, baby.
– Bonjela x