A CONCERNED RESIDENT in Merivale has been hailed a LOCAL HERO after a threat to community safety, and environmental well-being, was identified in what she has described to Cracked City, as a ‘DEFINITE POTENTIAL ACT OF ECOLOGICAL TERROR AND VANDALISM’.
Jeanette Trough, 57, was STARTLED and ALARMED three-weeks ago, whilst walking her six year old Bichon, La Croix, through local SLICE OF HEAVEN, Abberley Park. Her evening stroll took an unexpected turn when Trough spied what she described as “a GHASTLY violation and risk to the safety and happiness of our wholesome, rate-paying, upstanding, community”.
“I was minding my own business, when I spotted, what I can only describe as someone PROBABLY NOT FROM THIS AREA touching one of our prize winning, heritage, roses. Just there. TOUCHING the flower. Like they were MAYBE about to STEAL it. IN OUR PUBLIC PARK! That is not what I PAY MY RATES for!”
Jeanette continued, “These aren’t some COMMON weeds over there in the Red Zone. That was an INGRID BERGMAN rose. Who do these CRIMINALS think they are? I’m not a snob, or anything, but all I’m saying is that they definitely don’t have a St. Margaret’s Prefect badge stored in their memory box”.
When asked if this was a matter of upper-middle-class prejudice, Trough vehemently shook her head, “I’m not classist, but if THEY want to pick flowers, why don’t THEY go back to THE EAST where I assume THEY live? There’s plenty of green space over there these days. I mean, when you think about it, in a way, it’s like the earthquakes gave them a gift. Yes they might have lost their houses, but it’s like GOD gave them a nice big garden. FOR FREE! A big garden where THEY` can pick all the flowers THEY desire. Leave OUR parks alone! What more do they want? MY FIRSTBORN CHILD? IS THAT NEXT?”
Jeanette then went on to mumble something about ‘P.C. Gone Mad’ for the next 13 minutes.
Local residents group, Concerned Residents And Private Property Owners (C.R.A.P.P.O.), have branded Ms Trough a LOCAL HERO and all round A-GRADE CHRISTCHURCH CITIZEN, and have since nominated Trough for the 2018 NZ Women of Influence Awards, where she was immediately shortlisted to the final 10, all thanks to her reputable postcode and impressive collection of Kow Tow tunic tops.
The Merivale community swiftly and efficiently responded to this DEFINITE POTENTIAL ACT OF ECOLOGICAL TERROR by installing 85 individual ‘DO NOT PICK THE FLOWERS’ signs at the scene of the POSSIBLE CRIME, Abberley Park. The signage was funded by a $15,000 Council grant that had been ear-marked for a mobile library, for low decile primary schools, however C.R.A.P.P.O. members successfully ‘pulled a few strings’ through the old-Boys’ network and and managed to get the grant reallocated just in the nick of time.
When asked whether she actually saw anyone PICK a flower. Ms Trough snapped, “Just because you don’t see an ACT OF TERRORISM being planned doesn’t mean it ISN’T THERE. Just look at 9/11”.
Safer communities, everyone.
– Bonjela x